Every morning I make three salads. I could stop right there and some folks would say, “Yes, Anthony, you are crazy.”
I have three customers: Suzanne’s lunch, my lunch, and my breakfast. Again I know some folks would stop me right there and ask, “Three? mmm, maybe you can’t count?”
And that is my jumping off point, not only do I do some pretty weird OCD things:
I start with a good portion of iceberg lettuce in the three bowls.
Then I count out the leaves of romaine and strip them down so the stem goes in the trash and we each get the nice crinkled green sides of each leaf. I strip off the same side of each leaf for each one of us. That is to say, if I start on the right side of the leaf, strip it down and stack it in a pile, then pick the remaining half leafs up one at a time and strip the other half and stack it in a second pile, then I tear the piles into bite size pieces as I drop them into our little Rubbermaid bowls.
Suzanne gets 4 black olives, and 8 slices of baby bella mushrooms, broken in half. I get 5 olives and bits and pieces of mushroom. My breakfast salad gets no mushrooms nor olives. Then I slice up celery and a broccoli head, and put the pieces pretty evenly divided, with a little more than a third going in the skillet, the remainder going in the Tupperware.
I put about a teaspoon of sunflower seeds in each lunch salad, I put a tablespoon of bacon pieces in my lunch salad. We both used to eat a lot more bacon, but Suzanne has recently decided to leave her’s out altogether and I reduced mine by over 2/3rds. I sprinkle in about a ½ teaspoon of Parmesan out of a plastic jar (think spaghetti), I put a tablespoon of sharp cheddar in my lunch and spoon in mayo. Again, Suzanne has recently decided to forgo the cheddar. I put a little mayo in the breakfast salad, too.
Now is where it gets a little weird even for me. Suzanne likes arugula and spinach, but she doesn’t care for the stems, so I strip out the stems, the arugula, I put in the bowl for my breakfast salad, the spinach stems I put in the skillet with the celery and the broccoli.
I count out 20 arugula leaves and 13 spinach leaves for Suzanne, that means my breakfast salad has 20 stems then I add plenty of whole leaves to both my morning and lunch salad.
Then I lay a slice of American on the breakfast salad. After chopping up most of a really hot pepper and dividing it between my morning and lunch salads, the morning cooked in the skillet, the lunch raw in the Rubbermaid.
As Arlo says in Alice’s Restaurant, but that’s not what I can to tell you about.
(yes, I heard Alice’s Restaurant on Pandora yesterday, but I am apt to quote that song, or others, any time)
The funny thing, is how I divide the food. Sometimes one ingredient or the other runs short, so I make sure Suzanne gets the closest approximation to the standard ingredients of her salad, then I look at the two other salads and decide which ingredient matter sthe most to which customer. Yes, I know I am BOTH “customers.” But I catch myself trying to “get into the head of each guy.” Sometimes there is only a little romaine, so the breakfast guy gets all iceberg, I mean I am going to be putting hot scrambled eggs with curry and tons of black pepper and lots of celery, is the breakfast guy gonna miss it? Or say I am low on broccoli or celery, the breakfast guy gets more of the one I have plenty of and none of the one I am short on.
So yes, I am pretty sure I am completely nuts, not only for treating myself as two different people, and two distinct people from the me who is the salad maker, thinking things, like, not, “I wont mind.” But thinking, “he wont notice that.” But also, I am certain I am completely nuts for writing and posting this blog, and maybe most of all, because, as a I write these final words, I know I could throw it away, but I wont.
So, you tell me. Three Salads. Three customers, one crazy guy?