Black Snakes and Happy, furthermore

As I am getting wonderful encouragement and intelligent advice from talented friends and editors, I am moving forward with my collection/epic poem.

I am still struggling with the physical concept of layout. Currently I am leaning, on the  advice of my editor to  a paragraph  style with a  bit of modification.

 

Like this:

Twenty-Thirty-Seven Mona Lisa Drive,

the first address I ever needed to know

so I could tell someone how to get me home if I was ever lost or if the school needed to know, and I knew it the first day mama drove us to school. We rode in the back of the brown Dodge pickup with the wooden toolboxes on the sides never thinking until today what the doctors’ and lawyers’ kids must have thought. Later we rode our hand-me-down bikes the mile to school past a barking dog and the bully at the end of the street, past the Episcopal church

with its low hanging eaves

I could touch from the ground.

 

Actually, her suggestion was more like this:

 

Twenty-Thirty-Seven

Mona Lisa Drive,

the first address I ever needed to know

so I could tell someone how to get me home if I was ever lost or if the school needed to know, and I knew it the first day mama drove us to school.

We rode in the back of the brown Dodge pickup with the wooden toolboxes on the sides never thinking until today what the doctors’ and lawyers’ kids must have thought.

Later we rode our hand-me-down bikes the mile to school past a barking dog and the bully at the end of the street,

past the Episcopal church

with its low hanging eaves

I could touch

from the

ground.

 

As I see it, something like one of either of the above is better  than the  traditional style verses of short lines. The straight on paragraphs have twin problems as much as I tend to like them. The poems don’t look like poems to the casual observer, and my 80-100 poem book would only be  about 10 pages long, which would hardly  seem like a book and yet, it would be.

Any thoughts?

 

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About anthonyuplandpoetwatkins

https://www.goodreads.com/AnthonyUplandpoetWatkins born in Jackson, The United States August 04, 1959 gender male website http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?contributorI... genre Poetry, Historical Fiction influences James M. Lancaster, Brenda Black White, Gertrude Stein, William Carlos Williams, and Al Filreis member since March 2011 About this author edit data As one of the most public lives ever lived by a private citizen, there is little about me that isn't already available at Facebook or Shelfari and countless other places. Poet, writer, construction worker, salesman, truck driver, climber into the attics of total strangers, father and husband, and all around one of the luckiest men on the planet. My luck continued with a win in the June Goodreads Newsletter Contest! What an honor! http://anthonyuplandpoetwatkins.wordp... Additional Influences: Bob Dylan, William Faulkner, Barbara Kingsolver, Gloria Naylor, Eudora Welty
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2 Responses to Black Snakes and Happy, furthermore

  1. The first version might not read like a poem but it reads a s more powerful to me. And it saves paper!

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